Hawaiian House Pets: Husband Edition

Let me just begin by saying I had almost forgotten how disgusting and weird Husband really is. In the year we spent apart, all of the burps and farts and wet PT socks in the kitchen faded from my mind. Within the first week of Husband being home, I quickly remembered. Of all the things that Husband has done in the last few weeks, his "house pet" is by far the worst.

In our apartment, we have two bathrooms. This means I get my own bathroom where I can cover the counters in makeup and hair products without having to worry about Husband messing it all up. While I was busy reveling in the glory of personal space, I neglected to realize how concerned I should be about giving Husband his own space. When I went into Husband's bathroom to collect his towel on laundry day, I looked down to discover the world's biggest spider living on the baseboard.

After bravely snapping a picture, I ran from the room to get Husband so he could kill the beast. When I frantically told him about the monstrous spider living in his bathroom, I was not at all prepared for his response which was, "Oh yeah, I knew it was there. I'm keeping it, like a pet." I'm sure the look on my face was a mixture of disgust and disbelief. Even for Husband, this was a new level of gross and weird.

Obviously I was not about to let Husband keep a "pet" spider in his bathroom. So I grabbed the can of Raid and ventured back into his bathroom. But in the few minutes I was gone, the spider escaped. In an attempt to keep the spider from returning, I sprayed every inch of that baseboard anyway. With Husband's track record, I'm sure I'll walk in to find the spider's dead body on the next laundry day.

Mustache Face

I have never been good at entertaining myself. Even as a child, I never liked to do things alone. My ability to become instantly lonely has carried over into adulthood and makes living alone quite difficult. During the times that I'm not running around on island adeventures...

 [My first sea turtle encounter]

 [Hiking at Kolekole Pass]

*Photos by Beckie

...I'm doing anything I can to keep busy inside the apartment. Since cleaning is boring and obviously out, I've come up with an array of activities to keep myself occupied until Husband makes his appearance. Today, my activity of choice was waxing...

[My wax mustache face.]

Let's just say, waxing and boredom do not mix.

Lesson learned.

The Crazy Army Wife

Sometimes, when your husband is deployed, you turn into a giant loser and you just go a little crazy. You spend your Friday nights sitting around watching Say Yes To The Dress and thinking about the beautiful wedding you had. You think of how happy you were that day and how your husband was actually home. Then you think of your wedding dress upstairs in the closet and you want to try it on. So you do.

You twirl and realize that your dress is about 3 sizes too big so you have to sit down. Then you become the crazy Army wife sitting around in her wedding dress missing her deployed husband.

Man, I'm such a loser.

Megan Who?

I've been thinking lately that it's about time I share a little more about me. Then I saw Beckie participated in a link up called 100 Facts About Me and I decided to play too. But I can tell you right now, thinking of a whole 100 facts about myself is not going to happen. But some is better than none, right? Ok, here we go!

#1: I am terrible at sharing feelings. In fact, I hate it.

#2: I'm a lefty. But I do most everything right handed because that's the way my brother taught me.

#3: I don't eat anything from the ocean. Or anything with the bones still in.

#4: Water is my favorite beverage. I never go anywhere without a bottle of it. I blame Arizona.

#5: I love shoes. Heels are my favorite but husband won't let me wear them around him because they make me taller. It's very sad.

#6: I am ridiculously naive and extremely gullible. Not a good combination in my experience.

#7: One of my goals was to grow my hair long enough to cover my ta-tas. Now that it is, I refuse to cut it.

#8: Brand New is my favorite band of all time. But country music is my true love.

#9: Husband and I want 3 kids. But we will not be naming one of them Ariel. Even though Husband really, really wants to. Gag. [Sorry if your kid's name is Ariel.]

#10: I've been told that I'm very bossy. But I can't help it that people just listen to me, can I? Husband is the only one it doesn't work with. Even my giant brother listens to me.

#11: I hate being alone. I get lonely instantly and I have no idea how to entertain myself. I'm kind of freaking out about staying alone in Hawaii until Husband gets back. I may not survive.

#12: I have my own waxing pot and we have a love/hate relationship. My eye brows look fantastic but I always seem to forget how painful bikini waxes are until the wax is already stuck on.

#13: My alarm clock is never set for a logical time. In high school, I woke up every morning at 6:27am.

#14: I'm a Chevy girl at heart but I drive a Dodge. And all of my vehicles have been trucks. Unless you count Husband's girly car but I did try to veto that one.

#15: Mom is my very best friend. Even when I'm away, I talk to her every day and I can tell her anything.

#16: Caffiene and I don't get along. And my insomnia has gotten so bad that even my sleeping pills aren't really helping.

#17: I am a giant wierdie and I don't try to hide it at all. I make up words and make wishes on my "birthday minute" and tons of apparently crazy things.

#18: For a class assignment I had to choose my most valuable possessions. I chose family and Husband's love and didn't get full points because my choices were not tangible things. I'm still bitter about it.

#19: I had Invisilign braces for about 9 months because I felt like my teeth were crooked. I still wear a retainer at night because I'm terrified my teeth will move. Husband makes fun of me and asks if I "have my teeth in" like I'm an old lady with dentures.

[Pre-Invisilign and also my 21st birthday]



[After Invisilign and baby nephew, Max]

#20: I have incredible self esteem and think I'm pretty amazing. Nothing can really convince me otherwise, even mean people and drama starters.

Twenty is good, don't you think? How about this: If there is anything else you really want to know about me, just ask. Email or comment and I promise I'll answer because I'm really not shy and besides sharing feelings, I don't hold back either. 

I Am Not A Hussy

My husband has barely been gone for a week and I've been solicited for sex twice already.

#1: Within days of husband leaving, some kid I went to high school with that has hair like Fabio and, it seems, has recently found a surplus of self esteem, messaged me on Facebook. His exact words were, "So now that your husband is gone, when do we get to hook up?" My response was deleting his disgusting self from my friend list. Ew.

#2: While buying things for a box to send to husband, the guy that was ringing my stuff up saw husband's dog tags and asked if I was in the military. Very proudly, I told him husband is in the Army and is currently deployed. Upon hearing this, a sly smile creeps across his face and he says, "You must really miss sex then. I could help you out with that, you know." Thankfully, I was done paying and just gave him my best look of disgust as I grabbed my stuff and got out of there.


I really don't understand it. I mean, it happened before R&R too but it was no where near as often as twice a week. It's not like I walk around without my ring on and forget to mention that I'm married. Trust me, I talk about husband every chance I get. So what is it then? Do I unknowingly walk around looking like a super-slut or do military wives really have that bad of a reputation for being cheating whores? I'd like to think that since both guys knew my husband is military, it's a military wife reputation thing. But even so, that is really sad. How many wives have to be out there cheating to give us all this awful reputation? What I know for sure is, I would never ever cheat on my husband. Even if I had to wait a decade for him to come home to me.

Has anything like this happened to you?

Tales of a Librarian

Growing up, I had a certain perception of librarians, a stereotype if you will, that has pretty much intensified as I’ve gotten older. Every librarian I have ever met was an older, glasses wearing woman who liked cats. So when ASU told me I would be doing my fall internship at a public library, where obviously, there would be librarians hanging around, I was way less than thrilled. Don’t get me wrong, I in no way hate librarians. I’m sure most of them are really nice people. But the last thing that I want to do is spend a semester hanging out with a librarian in a library. Because I seriously hate libraries. The whole place smells like musty, old moth balls and it’s filled with books that God only knows how many people have touched. Seriously, I don’t even want to know where those books have been.

So anyway, when the day of my first internship rolled around, I reluctantly got ready and slumped off to the library.  When I got there, I was greeted by this:

Not your average library building, wouldn’t you say? So I was more than a little intrigued to see if other things were different at this library as well (i.e. the smell). So with a little more pep in my step [curiosity will do that to a girl] I put on my intern badge and strode through the doors. Taking a deep breath, I realized that I smelled nothing but fresh, clean air. “How could this be?” I thought to myself. I got assigned to a new, modern, good-smelling library?! 

Interrupting my moment of joy, the librarian walked over: a frumpy, glasses-wearing older woman. And guess what? Within the first five minutes of talking to her, she told me about her four cats. Seriously. I knew right then she was going to be a gem. And let me tell you people, she hasn’t disappointed me yet.

Here are just a few of my favorite librarian moments:

“Do you think anyone would notice if I took off my bra? I’m so hot!”

“My profession is dominated by white females. I’m a white female too…It’s really too bad I’m not gay. That would definitely give me an edge!”

“Oh, be careful of that. I’m trying to trap a cat.”

And the list goes on. With next week as my last, I hope she gets a few more good ones in before I go. This whole working with a librarian thing isn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be…

Update: Wierdie Magnet

Remember my Mexican Phone Stalker? You know, the one that wanted to be my boyfriend? Well, that situation has since progressed from bad, to worse. Stupid me for thinking that hanging up on the guy would deter him from calling me again, right? Anyway, after the hang up incident, he preceded to call me multiple times... daily. Not once did I answer the phone, and still he called and called. Up until an hour or so ago my favorite was when he called at 0345 and left me a message that simply said, "MUJER!" Had it not been left for me in the middle of the night I may have been slightly amused. I mean, it's not everyday a person gets a Mexican Phone Stalker, right?

Well, I'm pretty sure that Stalker Man is gone for good this time, which leads me to my favorite part of the story. Finally, after 5 calls today, I had to call in the big guns: my little brother. Now when I say little brother I'm sure you're picturing an actual little brother. You know, someone smaller and slightly annoying. Well, you would be wrong. In my case, my little brother is more like my giant, smarter, bear-like brother who I like to think of as my personal bodyguard.

So when I got the 5th call of the night and Stalker left a lovely message, something along the lines of, "My friend says he loves you. He can't live without you. Ay yay yay!" I wasn't even close to amused. When my phone rang again two seconds later, I ran to Brother's room, threw open the door and begged for help! Very man-like Brother said, "Give me the phone. I'll take care of it." And let me tell you, take care of it he did! He played the role of intimidating male figure well. And when that really wasn't working out he said something including "policia" and my problem was magically solved.

So next time you think you may have a potential Mexican Phone Stalker on your hands, call me. I'll let you borrow my bodyguard. He happens to be a pro now.

Wierdie Magnet

I don't know what it is about me, but I swear all wierdie people are attracted to me. No matter where I am, they find me. Seriously people, I am a full-blown wierdie magnet. Today proved, once again, that even in my own home, I am not safe from the wierdies of the world. Let me tell you the story...

Today, I got three wrong number calls, none of whom spoke english. The first time my phone rang, I answered and patiently tried to explain to the man, using my very limited spanish speaking skills, that I was not Jose and that my number was not ever going to connect to him. The second time, I was slightly less patient but still polite as I again explained, in spanish, that there was still no Jose here. By the third call I was frustrated and I was mad. I was frustrated with my limited spanish knowledge and I was mad at Jose for giving all his friends MY number and not HIS OWN. So when I answered my phone and yet another spanish speaking man greeted me from the other side and said "Jose?" I almost lost it. Unfortunately, I have this problem where I feel bad hanging up on people and therefore forced myself to nicely tried to get the man off my phone. So I once again repeated that I was not Jose. The man then rambled on in spanish for a while, only about half of which I actually understood. I did completely understand his last sentence though. You know, the one where he told me that he was the one that had called twice before and then asked me to be his girlfriend. At that moment, I no longer felt bad about hanging up on him.

I am never answering my phone again.